Sex: when, with who... and in what age?

Did you ever felt excited just for thinking about taping you and you boyfriend/girlfriend doing it? Well for now I can ONLY think about that. Literally -think! 

Well I did. Not once or twice, but always! Its just the fear of ending out with a huge problem if someone catches that video later or if anything could happen if your partner doesn't longer exist in your life...

I have to confess you this out right now because today I feel I can do this. No one has read my posts so I'll just express myself without fears and if you're reading this it will be ok. The worst part is writing and then I can just hide the post or delete it.

I'm a 22y virgin girl. Yeah, weirdo right? I think so too......

So I've thinking (almost sickly) if I have anything wrong with my body, what the hell I did, and what do guys think about me just for being a virgin...

Its getting scarier as time goes by because almost all my friends lost theirs a while ago (which is the normal thing to happen) and those who didn't... well lets say don't kinda look attractive or even (show to) care about men... They know I'm virgin, I never hide that from them... and yes sometimes I feel ashamed for that.

So, there MUST be a reason right? hmm... I'm  ugly? well who am I to answer that?? But I don't think so. I have an healthy weight, I workout, I like to dress well and I have reactions when I go out... [I just took the risk to look like a stupid girl who thinks to be hot... no I don't act like a bitch or act like one]. I have had a few guys interested in me, specially lately. But I don't feel atracted for any of them. One is Mr Peanut I told you about and there's other 2: a neighbor who made my life an hell when I was a teen and another one is just a guy who were in my class in high school... so this leads me to another question, am I being too picky which leaves me with no boyfriend and so, no sex for the next months? (years??)

oh well... I wonder. I have been wondering... I have that Mr Peanut you know? But it doesn't seems right to me... I don't love him, I feel no connection and although I've been [well] informed that 1st times usually suck but anyway, I want it to be something special. I need to trust the guy and I need to like him in somehow that I won't be afraid of any pain in the world because desire makes that disappear (I think).

I can assure you I fell in love for guys that I would have lost my virginity with but those never got close to me. If only I could have the guts to approach them and let them know me better. I think this is one of my problems... and once they have girlfriends I immediately do my best to forget them and hide my feelings... 

And the worst? I had (have?) a crush for a kinda known singer (10y older than me) who I have met 8y ago although it's impossible to happen which makes me living in a kind of a fantasy world you know what I mean? When I go to his gigs it's like... awful. The letting down feeling after the shows kill me piece by piece... and I only keep going because I love their [the band'] songs.

I wanna move forward, I need that next step of being a grown up and feeling love. But I don't know how can I break through this barriers. At the same time I've been thinking about the "Who" person [please God give me someone besides Mr Peanut] I've been also thinking about telling this and asking help to a shrink... would that help me out?? No idea...

Anyway... I wanna tape it. Once I get to that point it feels good, I will tape it and keep it for myself.

Have a great weekend. I'm soared from the walk today... hope you have plans for tomorrow!! 

Kiss

Jusefina